it was the start of 2023.
i cried for 40 days.
2022 was hands down the best f*ing year.
the year of all years, even.
a year to remember for all time.
everything i could ever want was abundant: rich, bountiful, NUFF. food creations spanning the finest restaurants. money never ran out — orgasms a plenty — didn’t wanna cook? clean catering a call away — the best drugs a call away — the best everything a call away. a new chapter called Freedom. the release we had spent the past decade working towards. didn’t shed one tear during this time; naïveté at its finest.. thinking i was healed.. . thinking that healed looked like n̶o̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶e̶a̶r̶s̶.
rolled over into 2023 & me: ripe w unexplained sorrow. tears as full as the milk & honey that now engulfed us. no new diet or major life change save for the absence of the socials which more so provided relief.
crying for 40 days. intune w my naturopath, hormones, moon cycles, supplements, vitamins, checking off all the boxes.. controlling the statistics.. communicating w the odds, the why’s, the how’s.
it was only in retrospect that i understood that season.. that initiation . i experienced my first initiation at 18 years old, then 22, then 27ish. the abruptness was never lost on me, even though i fought it tooth & nail each round, every step of the way. like all the others, this initiation came w its own unique set of factors . i entitled this initiation: This is Not the Way.
this is not the way.
for all the people i claimed as tribe who never saw me.
for every time i overgave to the wrong folks, without checking to see if it was safe. .. or mutual. for overextending myself to those i naïvely considered equals (we’re not)
for letting lesser people’s opinions about my life/family choices negatively impact me because for some weak-a^^ elementary reason i thought i needed their short-sighted, dimly-lit cosigns. (f^ck you, respectfully. unaligned feedback is your dialect because you wish you were handed my perfect set of cards, my lucky hand, my steadfast heart, vision, infinite soul, self control, etc etc.) — for even allowing their wickedness to live rent-free in my head for any amount of time: i victoriously release it.
for all the time wasted on unaligned creatives & collectives for the sake of exposure or bettering myself when i was always it: the magic key (my craft thrives in your absence)
for all the years i wasted playing Keep-Up-Catch-Up w nobodies: people who secretly wanted me to fail, who wanted to see me cry, wanted to see me break.. people who spent years secretly admiring + hating at the same time (i know)
for jesus being introduced as a doormat: someone to be taken advantage of. the colonizer narrative passed down through hundreds of spoonfed generations to easily-programmed slaves. for how this deity normalized struggle as the one & only combo, no fries or soda in sight.
for subscribing to this trendy positivity-only mentality that wants the best for anyone & everyone despite their poor choices, & even poorer actions. a draining, unbalanced, impractical mentality. the bad is okay because it just is; the bad & the wrong just are; a spade is a spade; without the ego’s judgment these are simply facts — the best thing about being spiritual beings in human bodies is that we are always attracting exactly what, and who we are, and these results vary drastically from person to person; those who are skilled in abandonment tactics suddenly find themselves experiencing deep, unimaginable loss, just like those who devote their lives to any & all forms of abuse spend their later years steeped in a loneliness so painful they can feel it chipping away at their physical shells. therefore, it’s not my responsibility to wish their kind anything, let alone good vibes only accompanied by a lonely, doubting brow & squinted eye. one must qualify, and be deemed eligible to be in the business of good vibes only, a matter that can only be handled between you & your karmic waves: nobody else. this knowing is the most powerful ledge of all for it empowers nonchalance. the ability to feel nothing for someone who has harmed us, and the ability to know that life is tending to them better than we ever could, enables us to let go of the difficult memories in order to leave them behind.. . to forget.. a practice that cleans the palate and makes room for goodness, and more of what we actually want.
the covering permanently strewn over my husband & children, the one i always admired, a cloak that made them not need anyone but who they shared home with, now germinating within me.. sprouting unavoidably. blooming within me at maximum speed — this protection coming for me too.. covering me too.. cosigning my very existence.
i couldn’t not see it anymore: my illusions. popping. evaporating.
leaving. suddenly.
fulminating.
all at once. a cry unmatched.
erupting. activating this rich, unexpected rebirth.
waking up on the Nebuchadnezzar, vomiting my guts away.
crying it away.
purging it all away: sweet release.
relief & clarity taking its place.. that very old place that waited so patiently to be noticed, seen, held. my self-worth radar closer to 100 now more than ever. calling even more of me back home; pulling more of me outwards, skyward.. injecting my sails, billowing them full force,
w holy truth.
🕊️ will u still want the same things, once u have become a different type of animal altogether? 🕊️ are you listening
🕊️ will u still want the same things, once u have become a different type of animal altogether? 🕊️ are you listening