ig pushes urgency culture

& i want off

28 february 2022

don’t misunderstand me — i love IG’s capacity for community; the way i can have a dream about someone i haven’t seen in a while and be instantly updated on where they’re at by browsing their page and dm’ing them; the way sharing funny memes somehow erases all the months & years between us with the gut-wrenching laughter we forgot we actually needed LOL.. all these reasons and more are why i’ll probably return one day.. but the socials unleash many other elements that don’t help me feel like my best self as I near the end of 2021; elements that turn me off because i didn’t choose them.

during the pandemic i became immensely attached (because isolation begets community in any form:

cue Tom Hanks as Chuck,

clutching his beloved volleyball Wilson in the film Castaway.)

as i observed myself from a bird’s eye view as is my practice, it became very obvious how not present i felt in my day to day. IG gave me thousands of windows to where i wished i was, what i’d much rather be doing than what was actually required of me in the now, different versions of how my goals could look in future. . . .

you following the theme here?

everywhere else except right here, right now.

i don't wanna feel distracted by the 10 recipes i saw while scrolling when it’s time to prepare a meal; i don’t wanna take perfect photos in another country, and have multiple tabs open in my mind of which ones i’m gonna post later — using it regularly, i couldn’t escape the reality that it was dividing my attention — taking away from what i could create in my kitchen with the ingredients i had on hand; i want to be 100% here, right now; i will forever be an advocate of present-moment living, for it is where i find the highest pinnacle of me — inspiration on this platform comes with the illusion of what’s to come — this rushed, urgent culture, trying to penetrate my artistry from the moment i log on.. my precious creativity, birthed from boredom.. from not having anything other than actual tools to cradle in my own two hands; such a vast space divides the natural thought process, screen by screen; for me this happened when i opened the app void of intention, mindlessly, as a way to self soothe.

and let’s not forget the inescapable no impact factor that comes with the platform; IG is not an impact zone, it’s an update zone, each square representing our ideas, energy, essence. even with numerous comments underneath a post i created from sheer intention & inspired will, i continued to find disconnect. numbness. treading round & round within the same circles; everything transpiring much too quickly, too many, too loudly. impact was lost on me, and even when i initiated, the numbness was inevitable. this place isn’t real, & regardless of who admits it or not, we all feel it. life updates feel lifeless when i haven’t heard your voice in forever, but what else to do but scroll and double tap. we are united, yet solitary. we have everything, except time.

and don’t even get me started on the rise & grind culture that migrated onto the socials; if you’re asking me, i just cannot; it’s exhausting. . . mi tiyaad! nothing screams under-stimulate me more than watching square after square of visuals on a factory line.

and to all those reading this going, “bruh! it’s just IG. you’re taking it way too seriously,” LOL yes! and there may very well be years (again) where i’m right there with you; but i’m a creature of intention, and i’m attracted to creatures of intention: we are our own kind. so when i find myself scrolling mindlessly, consistently, as a way to self soothe, feeling more numb by the second, i must question, dig, diagnose.. . .

there is no other way for creatures of intention,

for people like us.

and so i ended up here. in 2021. with a message i could no longer run from:

if you’re gonna be the human, woman, artist, wife, & mother of your dreams (in order to pull your team up to the highest possible ground),

if you’re gonna continue to show up daily as your best self

with little to no regrets about your behaviour/interactions with the ones who matter to you the most,

you need to be here, right now.

every day.

for a long time.

letting each moment be what it needs to be.

nothing else matters more than this part; this part is your next step on the path.

and it’s not like i wasn’t doing excellent work — i was doing a f*ing stand up job (for that time), but that’s the equation, right. you build up to a point where you’re good enough, but then you quickly evolve 7 light years ahead & suddenly you’re not.

distractions needed to go; the most tedious one of them all that subconsciously made me feel like where i was wasn’t enough — back then i almost always looked up: all around me. i knew without a shadow of a doubt how proud i was of myself, my family, and where we were.

so why did i feel lack feelings every time i popped online.

the math wasn't mathing, but one thing about me?

i’m not afraid to break something to make it better.

and in the timeless lyrics of Jay Electronica’s Better in Tune (With the Infinite), [also the song i descended the stairs alone to on my way to meet my lover of 1.5 years at our marriage altar]: the church you go to pray in it, the work is on the outside / staring out the windows is for love songs and house flies.

i’ve prayed in the church of IG enough; i’ve healed in this space enough (as you well know if we’ve been connected on the socials from time); i’m over every single one of these windows. .

the messages i had once shared so consistently had stopped flowing through me; i simply had nothing to say anymore! Tiona Thompson of Affirmations of a Bad Bitch so eloquently validated the quiet ones when she said:

while we’re on the topic of validating the quiet ones, a long time, soul-sister-friend of mine recently shared an excerpt from a book that’s been patiently awaiting my attention on my never-ending reading list: The Sovereignty of Quiet: Beyond Resistance in Black Culture by Kevin Quashie.

a call to slowness. how many of us are born this way, quiet, observing; how many of us have integrated this mystical way of being into our nature, while secretly beating ourselves up around what we should be doing, how we should be ! there is no should in a moment-to-moment life; there is only what is required of us in the now. there is only the sweet surrender of honouring what we’re feeling, what we’re going through today, and loving that thing, whatever it is, and however it shows up within us.

all i could do was take a step back.

see what transpires (organically)

cue the art of identity-switching

how can i remain fully present irl while still enjoying my online community. what can i change about myself, habits, actions, to get a different/better/more favourable outcome.

a born-from-survival-mode kinda skill that favours success but also: my constant query.

let me try a few rounds without this place, let’s see what it dooo, how she blows….

let me burn it. all the way down, & wake up,

on the other side